COOKIE!!!

cedar, 12.5 months, taken with phone

I just had to post this shot I took a few days ago. He looks so elfish and this is why my family calls him a gnome or a wood nymph or a faerie. Its the ears, I think...non?

We're in teething heaven (not). They're popping out everywhere...all at once. That and growing pains. Yesterday he suddenly seemed so tall. Overnight. He is now officially as tall as the tip of my head to my lower waist, if not further.

He also has the chunkiest feet ever. Super wide with a ginormous big toe. A toe that when he was first born, the doctor said "I hope he grows into this toe...its huge." We all laughed. But seriously Flinstone feet all. the. way. They haven't fit in any baby shoes. I was beginning to worry until yesterday, we popped into a cool store and the owner spent time with us, measuring his feet, laughing with me at how chunky they are and fitting him into some funky wide shoes. Shoes that rock his feet like a rock star. He kept swinging his newly adorned feet while in the grocery cart at Trader Joes. We've been happy with bare feet or thick socks but we're going to the bottom of the Sierra Foothills next week to be with the family, where there is ice on the ground and possible snow fall and his feet just need shoes. We're not in Southern Cali anymore Toto.

Oh and Healthy Time Maple Teething Biscuits (that he is eating above) are fabulous. They make my son smell like a pancake drenched in maple syrup.

"Babies" documentary...

The lovely Elizabeth just sent this to me.

Oh my...I giggled and marveled. I am and always have been ever so intrigued by other cultures. Especially at this time in my life, how others raise and nurture their little ones.

unravelling goddess.

This past weekend Susannah, creator of the abundantly inspiring Unravelling e-courses, was in our home. Her intention in coming out from the UK was to explore San Francisco...a city she has dreamed of visiting for 17 years. You can see some images of the city on her blog, where she has posted photos daily of her adventures.

We were honored she took out some time to come meet Cedar and snuggle on our couch and sit and watch Boho Baby entertain each of us. Its good for me to have my friends come enter into our bubble because we can so easily cocoon for days. Sus and I spent the day Saturday walking around Pacific Beach, which gave her the dose of Southern Cali that she needed (sans the rain). It was so fun observing her in her bliss...walking out to the water with her darling (aka Polaroid Camera). I just had to capture it (see images above).

Before she headed back to SF, she gave me a few lessons on her Pola and I found myself giddy like a little girl (okay, I admit...I jumped up and down a bit. So American of me!). She also took some lovely polas of our wee family that I cannot wait to share. We all learned that Cedar has a "camera face". He looks at the lens with pouty lips and a sexy stare. I am serious. We were stunned. He'd be giggling and as soon as she told him to look at the camera, he put the face on. Where the heck did he get that? Hmmmm...one wonders. ; )

Cedar wasn't quite himself while she was here. We could tell something was bothering him, whether it be his stomach or the teething. He seemed a bit more needy and whiny than we were used to. He's such an independent dude...loving his alone time and not needing me by his side on the floor at all times. But we found him needing that during her visit. I noticed I was trying to make excuses about it to Sus..."oh, he's never like this!", as if I was embarrassed. I think for the first time I got a taste of the future; him acting up around people and me fearing judgment. Even though I knew Sus wasn't at all thinking anything less and understanding the situation fully and being wonderful, I felt self conscious.

It was weighing on my mind the whole of yesterday. I sat with Boho Boy and talked it through with him. What concerned me the most is that in those moments, I seemed to worry more about what Sus thought of me as a mother, than what Cedar may have been trying to communicate to me. That broke my heart. Since Cedar has been such a peaced-out baby, I wasn't used to feeling this way and was caught off guard at how I felt and reacted.

I think so much of it came from my lack of confidence in feeling "prepared" for Toddlerhood. Cedar has suddenly, in just a few weeks went from baby to toddler and wow, this is when you have to have some strategy beyond the love and nurturing that is oh so natural! So last night Boho Boy and I discussed our feelings, fears, ideas on where to go from here. I opened up "Happiest Toddler on the Block" because so many of the other books I have been reading through apply to older children.

My hope is that if Cedar acts up around friends or family that I can let go of my ego and focus on my relationship with him and be more forgiving of him and of myself.

I cuddled him deep last night...apologizing for not being fully present with him. I could have sworn when he grabbed my face and smooshed his mouth all over my cheeks, he was telling me that it was okay and that he loves when mommy has friends over and takes care of her other needs and that he gets it and that he just had a massive poopie that went up to his back. ; )

{the winner of the gorgeous Kerin Rose Peace Necklace was Christine-RHP. congrats Christine! please send Kerin an email with your mailing address. thank you to all who entered and shared your hearts. we were touched and kept emailing back and forth about your amazing souls}

Sponsor GIVEaway!

peace necklace, photo by kerin rose

I am so honored to host this giveaway from a very special Sponsor of mine: Kerin Rose.

About Kerin:
I have been creating jewelry for as long as I can remember; and 'making things' has been the golden thread that has connected all the times in my life. I have been (not necessarily in this order!) a puppet designer for the Muppets, a restoration specialist in The Costume Institute at the Met in NYC, a freelance designer for film and TV ( I was personally responsible for David Letterman's alka-seltzer suit!) and an adjunct professor of art education. Through all of it, metal has been my 'medium' of personal expression.

I consider myself a sculptor of sorts, creating pieces that I hope, will reflect the soul of the woman or man that wears it. I am influenced by the spiritual symbols of many cultures, patterns in nature and the human form in all its diverse beauty. My designs often come to me in dreams. Many who already own my jewelry say they feel it becomes a part of them, and amplifies the spirit....

Please read more about Kerin and her Mission as well as her creative process and the harmonious way she lives her life. Isn't she so inspiring and extraordinary? She also has an Etsy shop in addition to the one on her website.

GIVEaway details:

• Winner will receive the gorgeous Peace necklace as shown above; The piece is approx 1 1/8” diameter, and made of 100% recycled sterling silver with a wax cord. Trivia: Did you know that the creator of this peace symbol intentionally did not copyright it so that it would be used over and over again, all around the world?
• To enter, please leave a comment; It can be one word or many words.
• Comments will be closed Sunday evening at 9pm.
• This is a random drawing.
• Winner to be announced Monday, December 14th
  
• Winner, please email Kerin your mailing address to info (at) kerinrose.com
• Peace, luck and blessings to you all...thank you for entering.
  

star lights.

my favorite window in our loft

Last night I pulled these star lights out of their box and found that they were all twisted and knotted and intertwined. It is a very long string (wrapping around most of our living room) and it took a very very long time to get them unraveled.

I started to feel impatient and frustrated and then an image of my father during each Christmas growing up came into my mind. He would unravel countless strings of lights for us girls (outdoor, indoor) all by himself with such precision and patience. When we were really young, he didn't want us to help for fear we would get shocked. He never got angry or frustrated while spending what felt like hours untangling the bulbs. Perhaps it was a meditation to him.

I took a deep breath and channeled my father last night. I viewed it as a practice in patience, which I know once Cedar stands on his two feet, I will need in abundance.

Thank you, daddy...for teaching me how to be more present and patient, even when you had no idea I was noticing.

my first podcast interview.

About a month ago, I did a podcast interview with Ana Ottman of the amazing Creatuitive Coaching.

I was a wee nervous, this being my first time, so a few minutes before the interview, I lit candles all around me, put some Zen-ish music on, curled up on our bed, took deep breaths and centered myself. Then I dialed the number and heard her sweet, inviting voice and all my nerves melted away. Ana is such a delight and created such a safe space for me to spill from my heart.

You can listen to it here: Your Sacred Self.

It was a bit longer than we anticipated, so curl up with some tea and spend some time with us. I love how she used the word "intoxicating" to describe this interview. She had no idea that this is one of my favorite words! I am blushing and feeling humbled.

{ the photo above is of me and Swirly in my home. it doesn't really have anything to do with this interview. i just stumbled upon it last night and wanted to share the joy we were feeling when boho boy took this of us this past august}

quiet sense of self respect.

"Your Child's Self Esteem" by Dorothy Corkille Briggs

My dear friend Karen handed me this book while I was sitting at her dinner table one evening. I'll never forget that evening. I was trying to hold it together as someone who was just about to become a mother. I was someone who was just about to become a mother to what may have been a preemie. I was someone who was keeping her phone close because that call might come and I'd fly out to Oregon from wherever I was and, with my husband, help our birth mom bring our child into this world. Something we had never done before. Something we weren't trained for.

My mind was buzzing that day when I pulled up to her Zen retreat of a house. She was the most perfect soul to be with. It felt like she had gently enveloped me into her arms just by her reassuring whisper at the table that night. In her presence I just knew everything would be alright. I felt a quiet strength from her that I needed.

In her book {Momma Zen: Walking the Crooked Path to Motherhood} she talks very honestly about her experience as the new mother of a precious preemie. A book that has guided many mothers from all walks of life and from all experiences through a time where we are all feeling so raw and vulnerable and perhaps misunderstood. I was honored to be sitting at her table that night...eating her healing soup and soaking in every confidence she had in me as a mother to be.

Her and I giggled at the cover of this book (above) that she lent to me. A sweet retro image of a naked baby in the bushes, holding a flower and totally in bliss. This so reached out to the hippie in me. ; )

I just recently started to read it. It has been nestled in my book shelf since. I knew there would be a time when I would need to and I didn't rush. In fact, I stayed away from many books in the beginning so that I could learn how to listen to my own intuition.

Now that Cedar is crawling and exploring and indeed developing his own person, I have felt that need to open up my arms for help. But gentle help and how gentle does this cover feel?

So I opened it up and ohhh...it is wonderful.

There was this one quote I wanted to share with you. Mainly because it applies to anyone, wherever they are in their life and to me, it provided comfort.

"High self esteem is not a noisy conceit. It is a quiet sense of self-respect, a feeling of self-worth. When you have it deep inside, you're glad you're you. Conceit is but whitewash to cover low self-esteem. With high self-esteem you don't waste time and energy impressing others, you already know you have value."

Learning to parent a child is also like therapy for self. I feel like I have always had a quiet sense of self-respect. In an online world where I am encouraged to market myself and talk more about how fabulous business is going, it has felt a bit outside of my comfort zone. I have questioned if I am cut out for this because I have never needed that attention to fill me up. This quote helped remind me that how I am is okay and that perhaps my business will continue to grow because of my heart and who I am rather than me trying to impress the masses. There is a place for me in this online world of business and I will figure it out as I go. I want to learn how to grow my business through my story and not my ego.

on style and renewal of some sort.

{omgosh...how many times do i say "what's funny about that is..."...nice.}

starving artist ink.

"boho dread goddess" ~ by erin darcy


"boho mama" ~ by erin darcy

I wanted to share with you these two beautiful pieces of art that Erin Darcy at Starving Artist Ink was inspired to create illustrating two very poignant pieces of my life; my journey to Cedar and my journey towards dreads.

Oh how her liquid-like, stunning art melts me so. Oh how she can somehow create with simplicity and flow, yet include those still small details (I just love how she gave my dreadie girl fuzz on the top).

Erin and I connected a while back through our blogs in the midst of our fertility journeys. Now our journeys have shifted, yet we still walk side by side. It is beautiful to me that she offers such selfless support and comic relief to me as a mother...even as she still longs for her babe. I know so so tenderly and closely what it is to be where she is as a few of my journey sisters became pregnant or adopted while I was still yearning. It is a place my empathy takes me back to quite often and I will never forget, nor take for granted how huge it is that she remains so present in my life.

I remember quite clearly the day that Boho Boy handed me the package from Ireland that Erin so tenderly put together for me. It was an emotional day for me as a new mother, feeling so very vulnerable and uncertain. Then I opened up the image she painted of me holding Cedar and how perfectly he fit into my arms and how naked and centered and beautiful she saw me. I am not sure if she knew how perfectly timed this was and how I often glance at it to remind me of my strength and belonging.

And now she does the dread girl and captures a whole other part of my world where there can be days of insecurity or uncertainty but also days of YES and sexy. She just gets it and sees it and embodies it in her art. This beautiful, kind, funny, creative, present, fabulous girl from Oklahoma living in Ireland.

Don't you want to know her more now? She is here, her art is here and her photography here. Pure deliciousness.

cedar's 1st birthday cupcake.

Boho Boy grew up with a tradition in his house. Him and his brother would be woken up the morning of their birthdays with a cake and candles and a birthday song sung by his mom and dad. They would make a wish, blow out the candles and then run downstairs to open a few gifts before breakfast.

So, we decided to continue the tradition on Cedar's first birthday. Although, rather than in the morning, we would do it after his morning nap so that he could play with the cupcake. What ended up happening was pretty comical...but I had a feeling it would happen. Lately he's been very tender when he first wakes. He prefers whispers and to be held and rocked until the sleepy in his eyes melt and he becomes more conscious of the world around him. So, I told everyone to tip toe into the room and whisper the song. Me, Boho Boy and Omi did our best being gentle but he sat up in his crib, looking completely traumatized by the candle burning and us singing and he burst into tears. Poor dude. So mommy scooped him up and told everyone to stop singing and we just let him wake up as he was used to.

But as soon as he woke up and finished half of his bottle and flashed his adorable teeny tooth smile, it was time.

I captured it above. He had way more fun painting with the cupcake and flinging it in the air than eating it, of course.

I wanted to share this first with all of you. I also wanted to share how he and Boho Daddy always do Eskimo kisses. ; )

I am loving the idea of creating traditions for our wee family. I can remember growing up how our family traditions held so much security for me. Sometimes it was the calm in the storm. Some traditions we will carry on from our own families and some we will create all on our own (like the birthday fort). My dream is that Cedar can always count on these moments to be that safe space when he needs it.

I would love to hear some of your family traditions.